love

i had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine today. we were talking about how we need to fight the urge to speak ill of other people. it's actually not so much of an urge but an impulse. when a person does something that we don't approve of, our first instinct is to judge them. i am the first to admit that i do this quite often. and what's worse is i don't always keep these thoughts to myself, instead i air them out in the open. more often than not, these are 'minor' (i shouldn’t consider them minor) things like, this person is rude, this person is annoying, or dumb, or arrogant, etc. but when all is said and done, all these negative thoughts end up weighing me down and trapping me in a cycle of dismissal. i can't even count how many times i've dismissed someone after one incident, only to have that person say a kind word to me that makes me change my mind about them all together. those pesky feelings start to surface. you know. guilt. and you remember how you spoke ill of that person not too long ago. if our aim is to be constructive, we have to be our own worst critic. my harshest critic wouldn’t just tell me not to speak ill of people. instead, i shouldn’t even think ill of them. i need to train myself to diffuse those impulses all together. it won't be easy, i love talking smack. but i can't be on the wrong side any longer. when the prostitute washed jesus' feet with her tears, kissed them, and anointed them with perfume, was i on his side in loving and forgiving her, or with the pharisees who judged her and thought it was disgusting for her to touch him?

which brings me to my next point. jesus told them, because she has loved greatly, she was forgiven greatly. and those of us who do not love greatly, will not be forgiven greatly. i was telling my friend how i wanted to do things differently starting this year. love in particular. i want to love greatly. i have a huge capacity for love, i suspect we all do, but in the past, this was like a hidden secret. something embarrassing really. i'm not talking about the mom and dad and siblings kind of love. i love them, that's a given. they are a very safe target. they will love me back no matter what. what i mean is risky love. for instance, my friends. if you asked me how i felt about one of them, what would i say? i like them? they’re alright? the reality is i love them. it's embarrassing, i know. but i do. and why shouldn’t i love them? jesus wants me to love them. he wants me to love everyone!

i start discussing this with my friend a bit and we came to a few conclusions. we decided that it really isn’t all that risky to tell someone you love them, because chances are they love you back. so long as it isn’t a stranger you met on the bus this morning, i think it's safe to say that your friends love you. she then comes up with an excellent point. maybe love puts too much pressure on the relationship. perhaps, we're afraid to say we love each other because we're afraid to disappoint. if that's the case, then you should never tell anyone you love them. it's inevitable, you will disappoint them eventually. while this could be partially responsible, i have another theory. i think our notion of love has become terribly distorted. it seems to fall under two general categories. the first is family love, safe love, which often times has an undertone of let's just endure each other and try to get along. the other, we refer to as the "L" word. it's the feeling that only you and your romantic partner should have. maybe humankind has been reading too many romantic novels for the last 2000 years. or worse, we've grown cold and callous. pushing aside this guilt inducing notion of love and reserving it only for ourselves (how many times have you been told to love yourself first) and for intimate partners only.

i don't know how or why this has happened, but i wanted to swim against the tide. i started by stepping outside my comfort zone and telling my friend i loved her. i knew she would be embarrassed. i was too. i kept thinking, did i do something wrong? was i cheapening love, throwing it about like it was nothing? i know she loves me too, but was her idea of love distorted like mine? was it the "L" word? something that friends shouldn’t say to each other? she never said it back. and in that, i learned a huge lesson. i shouldn’t expect anything in return. frankly, it's wrong to expect anything in return. jesus wanted me to love even my enemies. he has made it clear that i shouldn't expect anything in return. who needs secondhand love, when you can have the original? his love never gets distorted or misinterpreted, and he never disappoints. but the tricky part is, god's love is as much something you receive as it is something you give. i must love unconditionally to feel god's love in my life. i must love those who love me, those who don't, even those who hate me. starting this year, i want to try to restore its true meaning. i hope to step outside my comfort zone again. i want to love greatly like he does.

photos

amazing photos by an amateur photographer, marc crumpler

documentary

per my friend jeff's suggestion, i watched a national geographic documentary today about north korea. you really need to watch it, it's unbelievable. to quickly summarize, it's a very rare glimpse into the life of the people of north korea. videotaping is not allowed in the country, so the journalists were risking their lives to capture the footage. they were disguised as part of a medical team taping an instructional video series on cataract surgery. so as you might know, kim jong-il, the supreme leader of north korea, has successfully isolated the country from the rest of the modern world. no tv, internet, phone lines to other countries, etc. it has been in that state for half a century. but aside from the ongoing political injustice and total lack of freedom, what i was most fascinated by was how the people regarded him. to them, he is an absolute god. pictures do not exist unless they are of him. there are no books, except those that were authored by him or his deceased father. there was footage of a park bench that was enclosed in glass, because the leader once sat on it. it's unreal. if you haven’t started watching yet, i hope that was enough to peak your interest.

at first, i thought, they must be acting. people are sent to concentration camps for lesser crimes than questioning the absolute authority of the supreme leader. they can’t possibly be convinced that he is god. they’re just really, really good actors. but as the video went on, i was less and less sure. in one scene, a blind old lady tells the film crew, she wishes her sight would return so that she could see kim jong-il's picture once again. she cries. her family cries. even one of the guards cries, who then describes kim jong-il as having been a loving father to her since her own father's death. the last scene of the documentary is the most disturbing. one by one, the wrappings are removed from a room of 1000 patients, post cataract surgery. some of them have been blind for 15, 20 years, or more. each of them, now able to see, walk to the front of the room where kim jong-il's picture hangs, and begin crying intensely. some throw their hands up, saying things like, "praise him! praise him!" honestly i couldn’t even fathom what was happening. how could these people believe he was god? how could they be so deceived?

i was feeling pretty crummy. i got this hopeless feeling about the world, which was followed by a set of questions that i had no answer to. these people believe in something. something stupid. anyone who isn’t brainwashed can clearly see how stupid and bizarre it is. but what about me? if they shot a documentary about my life, would people think the same thing? i believe in a god named jesus christ. he is a man too. i've never seen him. and while he was never president of a country here on earth, i believe he is the king of the universe. does that make my beliefs more or less bizarre? often times, to answer questions of faith, i make a mental chart.

is it wrong to doubt?

no. doubt strengthens my faith. god doesn’t want me to blindly follow. he wants me to ask questions. he wants me to seek the truth. he knows that many before me have blindly followed. blindly following is dangerous. when you lose the will to question, to search for answers, to grow in knowledge and understanding, you forfeit the god given intellect you possess. god wants me to love him. he wants me to learn about him. to hear his voice. you can't love someone you don't know. and you can't know someone without asking them questions. but god's answers are an argument of heart. if the source of my question is my mind, i will not likely find the answer.

what does my heart say?

my heart has never questioned. everything christ has taught me has been well received by my heart. blessed are the humble, the gentle, those who thirst for righteousness, the merciful, the peacemakers. these are things which are agreeable to my heart and things that i truly desire. it comforts me to know that my god considers them worthy of blessing.

why doesn’t everyone believe?

Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it. Matthew 7:14. jesus knew that the whole world would not believe. he knew that man had come to worship himself and his self-bestowed glory. a change of heart would not be easy and would come at a great price. he said he was not here to bring peace, but a sword. to turn a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother. that those who believe will be risking their lives. they will be hated and persecuted.

does god reach out to people?

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Matthew 7:7. god is standing right outside their doors. he hasn’t forsaken them, nor has he forgotten about them. i often struggle with this, when i simply need to trust his love and mercy.

i pray that god delivers his children from suffering and persecution. that he reaches out to them and does not allow them to be misled.

law of nature

last week i ordered c.s. lewis' book mere christianity. it came in the mail the other day and i've been reading it a bit, here and there. first of all, i have to say, the publishers did a great job with this book. it’s printed on rough, sand colored paper. the edges are not trimmed and it smells like wood. burnt wood. the front cover has a dark ink illustration of a path leading out of the woods. the book has an old world charm, reminds you of something you'd find in an ancient monastery somewhere. i like the book's design so much that frankly, it's been hard to read. i like to abuse books. hold them so far open that the binding is about to split, etc. but i've been handling this thing like it's a delicate artifact, making sure not to get it sweaty, or opening it too wide. so, props to the publishers at harper collins!

well, my first thoughts on mere christianity are that it is quite dense. this is definitely not an easy read. in fact, i often find myself re-reading several paragraphs trying to fully grasp what lewis is saying. it's a bit frustrating. yet, with all of its complicated metaphors, i can't help but think that he might be on to something. he describes this thing he calls, the "law of nature," as being a universal, innate, and unlearned ability in human beings to know the difference between right and wrong. he defends this idea by discussing some of its criticisms. for instance, couldn’t this law of nature, be a social convention? like something that is taught to us? he answers by comparing it to math. he says that math isn’t a human invention, although things like the multiplication table are. and a few pages of complicated analysis later, he concludes that, no, it can’t be a learned behavior. basically, in a nutshell, lewis is saying that math is present with or without us. two rocks sitting on the beach next to two other rocks, make four rocks. the rules and formulas that we have derived to understand this concept of 2 rocks + 2 rocks = 4 rocks are of no consequence to the rocks themselves. in other words, the law of nature is present with or without our attempts to make it more formulaic and understandable. i hope this is what he was trying to get at, at least. well, 3 chapters later, lewis is still defending this concept. he has not yet talked about god, or christianity, or anything of religious influence. he is definitely setting the stage for something big. not sure what it is yet. maybe, he is going to use this law of nature to defend the christian belief of adam and eve eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. or maybe he will simply be arguing that human beings will be judged according to their deeds, given that the law of nature excludes no one, christian or not. i'm not sure where this crazy man is going with any of this, but hopefully i'll find out in the coming few days.

interesting note, c.s. lewis was an atheist for a large portion of his life. i always find that christian authors, who weren't always believers, tend to have a very strong and compelling message in their works. i think it's because they appreciate the gift of faith more than a lot of people who were brought up christian (unfortunately). it's like discovering that you have a superpower and running in excitement to tell all your friends, who reply, "well yeah, duh. we all have 'em, didn’t you know?" since it’s a new and life changing discovery for you, you appreciate it so much more. and because it’s something amazing that you’ve gone most of your life without, you feel very passionate about sharing it with others.

by the way, check out this sculpture. my fist, pounding its way out of the rock!

journey vs destination

i can't decide what's more important, the journey or the destination.

some might say that you shouldn’t be too concerned with the destination and instead focus on the journey. a journey filled with self-discovery and a clearer understanding and appreciation for the world and god is of far greater importance. on your journey, you must recognize that it is impossible to know where you will arrive. you can spend a lifetime dreaming of a destination that you will never reach, or for that matter, does not exist. you might be so invested in a particular goal that you forget to live. forget to reflect on the beauty of the world. to appreciate the simple things that are all around you. have you ever been driving on the highway, totally focused on your destination, the time, the day's tasks, that you don't see the rolling hills, the meadows, all of the breathtaking colors of the landscape? i have to say, there were times on my drive from roanoke to charlottesville in virginia, where i was hit so hard by the beauty of the surrounding countryside that i imagined parking my car beside the road and roaming the grassy meadow and laying out in the sun for the day. no one would ever know. maybe i'll like it so much that i'll stay. become a shepherd like moses (do shepherds even exist anymore?). unfortunately, my day dream was never realized. i had too much to do. besides, i would begin to doubt my own sanity if i did something like that. moments like those, the journey was overcome by the destination.

on the other hand, you could argue that without a clear and defined destination, the journey will be reduced to a series of arbitrary experiences. and where's the satisfaction or fulfillment in that? every great achievement was reached by being devoted to a certain goal and not straying from it (accidental achievements like the invention of the potato chip are a rare exception). the destination is important because it gives us something to hope for, to strive toward. to be focused on the journey seems so irresponsible. and a bit selfish. like wanting to live in lala land, where my satisfaction right now takes precedent over my priorities. imagine if every cancer researcher decided to take a leave of absence to stop and smell the roses. doesn’t sound very noble or conscientious.

see what i mean? it isn’t easy to decide. but i wonder what side of the debate god would choose. bear with me as i imagine what he might say. the journey is important because you won’t always reach the destination you set for yourself. you might think, this is where i want to be, this is what i need to have, this is the girl i want to marry. but don’t be naive john, you know better. i need you to live one day at a time. remember when i said, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself"? that was meant for you too you know. but don’t worry, i will take care of you i promise. and what i have in store for you is beyond your wildest imagination. as long as you trust me, your journey will be one of abundant happiness. i will anoint your head with oil and your cup will overflow. goodness and love will follow you all the days of your life and you will dwell in my house forever. and don’t worry, you’ll get all the rolling hills and meadows you can ever want. in fact, i have a place with green pastures and still waters that you might like. but john, the debate isn’t settled yet. i need you to set your sights on a destination too. i'm not going to tell you focus on heaven, that's too easy. i know you can follow the rules and do no harm, but a lot of people are capable of that. instead i want you to focus on heaven here on earth. love like i did. really love, tell people you love them. forgive them too. remember when i told you, "You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." what you'll find, john, is that the journey and the destination aren’t all that different really. my journey will lead you to a destination of peace and happiness, and likewise, my destination will fill your journey with fulfillment and joy.

memories

have you ever had a certain conversation or been through a particular experience that has lingered in your mind as if frozen in time? they are like memories, but somehow more distinct and vivid. like looking at a real object as opposed to a picture of one. when i close my eyes, i can see my body, all my surroundings, the sounds, and i remember my thoughts exactly.

for instance, i remember standing at the corner of our apartment building in riyadh when i was 8. i was peering around the corner at the narrow alley between the building and the concrete fence. it was dark and dusty. none of us dared venture down there to retrieve our missing toys. there were lizards and who knows what else. it was frightening just standing at the threshold of that tunnel. i turned and asked my friend ali if he would go down there. he looked at me wide-eyed like i was crazy. "ramses, ramses!" he said pronouncing it "rum-sees, rum-sees!" ah yes, the devil. we referred to him as ramses for some reason. he lived in that alley. then ali began moving his open palms up and down with his tongue sticking out, meaning there are lizards. ali didn’t speak english or arabic; he was from one of those african countries that speak french. but we invented our own language and he was my best friend. i remember that moment very clearly. maybe it is because my senses were heightened from being afraid. it seems like all these memories have had a strong emotion attached to them.

another one was fishing with my dad when i was 14. he had gone down to the lake which was only a few steps from our apartment in lowell, MA. it was not quite a lake, more of a reservoir really. i remember rushing down the wooden steps to catch up with him. i made my way through the cattail and other shrubbery and stood next to him. it was a beautiful day, warm, clear skies. i was excited because we had been seeing huge carp swimming to the surface from the balcony. we stood in silence, trying not to disturb the wildlife. then suddenly my dad got a bite! we had caught fish here before, but none like this. his rod screamed click-click-click-click-click from the strong pull. i got goose bumps and my heart was beating very fast. he planted his feet and i grabbed his waist so he wouldn’t fall into the knee deep water. it was as if we had caught an atlantic blue marlin. after a long struggle, the culprit finally surfaced. it was a huge turtle! we looked at each other in surprise and confusion. we had no choice but to cut the line. we were disappointed that it wasn’t a monster carp but strangely satisfied at our rare encounter nonetheless.

the most recent experience which has become frozen in my mind was a conversation i had with uncle george abraham, god rest his soul. since i was at school most of the year, i hadn’t seen nor spoken with amo george for months since his illness. my parents were keeping me updated and we were all praying for him. one day last year when i was home for break, i was standing in the basement at church and people were making their way down the steps after liturgy. i was saying hello to everyone and catching up when i noticed amo george by one of the columns. he looked very sick indeed. i felt awful. i walked towards him and he saw me and motioned, "ta'ala, ta'ala" meaning come here. i didn’t know what to say really, i kissed him on the cheek and asked him how he was doing. he held my forearm and said, "if i had another daughter i'd want her to marry you." i smiled, "thanks amo." then he told me, "when you open your clinic, john, you have to give to the poor. do as much as you can for god. do it all for free, don't turn anybody down." i shook my head, "yes, of course." then he said, "everything god has given me was because i gave to those in need." then someone came by and pulled him away. that was the last thing amo george said to me. i admired him very much. he was one of the most generous people you could ever meet. he had a very simple outlook on everything. simple and straightforward. always did what was right. i'm really thankful for his words that day.

If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence. 1 john 3:17-19.

seeing him

Ἅγιος ὁ Θεός, Ἅγιος ἰσχυρός, Ἅγιος ἀθάνατος, ἐλέησον ἡμᾶς!

faith is believing without seeing. and while god rarely appears to us in physical form, i honestly believe that he reveals himself to us all the time. if only we weren’t so blind. but god prefers to reveal his presence indirectly. it’s more god-like. jesus loved to speak in parables. he doesn’t want it to be easy. it wouldn’t be fair really. like a teacher giving you all the answers to the assignment before you attempt it for yourself. god loves to give us hints though. and they can take on many forms. a moment of soulful meditation where you feel at peace. a time of great need when you feel strangely taken care of. a verse in the bible that really hits home. those tears you can't hold back when you feel loved or even witness the love of others. think about it.

you’ve been relying on your own understanding for so long. eventually you talk yourself into thinking that you are the captain of your vessel and that only your abilities will determine your destiny. if i work hard, and do this, this, and that, then all my dreams will come true! then in an instant, everything goes wrong. the path you’ve chosen suddenly becomes a cliff side. ever have that feeling? that anything can happen and you have control over nothing? that you’re a product of a million random events all unchecked, unregulated, and taking place simultaneously? has this been a reoccurring theme in your life? it has in mine.

yet, when it seems like the night will never pass and i begin to question myself, my choices, and my circumstances, i also begin to wonder, as if for the first time, maybe it was meant to be. could it be that god has control over everything in my life? well, when everything's going great, then of course he does. but what about the bad times? believe it or not folks, god doesn’t always steer our lives in the direction of maximum comfort and satisfaction. sometimes he wants us to go through hardship and heartbreak. it's only because he misses us. god knows me all too well. he knows that i draw closest to him in times of difficulty. this is when i pray for his guidance and he listens. and guess what? the sun rises again. it always does. and my miserable night has brought me closer to him and has taught me a valuable lesson.

i believe that god has equipped us all with the capability to feel his presence. like an internal god-radar. no doubt, this is a mystery of the holy spirit that inhabits us. yet, while we all have this radar, the great majority of us have it turned off. and the great majority of those who have it turned on are often skeptical of what their hearts tell them. they always need more proof. and while god would rather not give us more proof, wanting for us to rely on our hearts instead, sometimes he reluctantly gives in. just look at thomas. he declares, "Unless I see in His hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe." i can picture jesus sighing in disappointment. he appears to thomas of course, but not without leaving him with this lesson, "Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

lord, i pray that you reveal yourself to me. i need to feel your presence in my life always. please remove the veil from my eyes and allow me to see you. make me into good soil and sow your seeds in my life lord. humble my spirit, god, and remove the stubbornness from my heart. help me to see your profound wisdom in my life's journey.