i've been admittedly MIA for the last month or so, and lately, feeling a bit guilty about it. something always seems to come up when i sit down to write something. it's a shame since i remember having important (yeah right) things to say that i've now forgotten. i'm going to try something new for today's post. i'm going to go straight off the dome! no cohesive topic today! so please bear with me. this is highly experimental.
i was watching star wars: revenge of the sith on tv last week. there was this scene, where anakin was talking to yoda. he was telling him about these premonitions he's been having. he dreamt that his wife, who he was madly in love with, would die in childbirth. yoda seemed a bit perturbed by this and told him not to dwell on it too much. anakin asserted that he was going to do anything in his power to make sure this doesn’t happen (which is what eventually lead him to the dark side). at the end of the scene, yoda tells him, "train yourself to let go... of everything you fear to lose." that quote really made sense to me. it made sense because that's exactly what i've been telling myself (or rather, trying to convince myself of) for the longest time. and i'm still on the fence about it. if we're talking about material objects, then of course, i totally agree. don't grow too attached to those. but people? i'm not too sure master yoda. then again, he might be right; he is a master jedi after all. on one hand, growing too attached to people can lead you to spend all your energy fearing that you might lose them, or they might leave. and if and when you do lose them, it is quite painful. but on the other hand, if you opt for the second option, not getting too attached to people you might lose, you run the very serious risk of being self-absorbed. or having shallow relationships. so what it boils down to is A: let yourself become emotionally attached to people and run the risk of losing them and all the heartbreak that goes with it or B: do not become too emotionally attached to people and eliminate the pain of loss but risk living in an emotional bubble. i wish i had an answer to this predicament.
i went to cvs yesterday to get a needle and some thread to sew up my comforter, which ripped. it was an emergency, fluff was spilling everywhere. when i was at the register, the cashier asked me if i'd like to donate a dollar to the ALS foundation. i asked her what that was, leukemia? i was mistakenly thinking ALL (acute lymphoblastic leukemia). she explained that it's better known as lou gehrig's disease, which i then recognized from biochem. i was going to say something, but i let her explain it instead. i was a little surprised because she did a really good job describing how it's a neurodegenerative disease and all the symptoms. then she says, "my brother had it, he actually died yesterday." i was absolutely stunned. all i could say was, "oh my gosh! i'm so sorry!" she started to tear up. it felt like someone poured a bucket of cold water on my head. i signed my donation, told her, "i'm so sorry for your loss," and walked out. i was so embarrassed. when i sat in my car, i kept thinking, "i'm so sorry for your loss?" is that the best you could do? i wanted to go back in and give her a hug. i felt like i'd become cold. numb to other people's pain. surely i could have reacted differently. why was i embarrassed? i was so mad at myself for being embarrassed. i was a stranger. she was a stranger. strangers aren’t real people right? they’re just a bunch of faces that whoosh past you every day then melt away into nothing. i prayed for the cashier girl last night, but felt like she deserved better.
