resurrection

happy easter! it's a bit late i know. finals and projects have taken over for the past few weeks. everything is going well for me this year and i feel enormously blessed. when i'm sick, exhausted, stressed, i complain like everyone else, but secretly i'm cracking a smile. blessed to be stressed. i feel like i have my hands out and god is dropping the whole world right into my open palms. i've had many good laughs and moments of real happiness and optimism this year. i feel at peace. i haven’t had a knot in my stomach in a while. my spirit is sort of in a state of thaw. "time goes by and the snow is drifting. slowly in the sky. cold, cold night as you lie beside me. i can hear your heartbeat." yeah, i know, don't judge. but that song is how i'm feeling right now.

but enough about me. i've wanted to talk about something i've been thinking about recently. it started with a conversation i was having about how much i love being orthodox (~50% of my conversations, but i'm trying to cut down). i started by explaining that all christian sects are wonderful and probably equal in the eyes of god. but orthodoxy to me, is so darn fulfilling. it works so perfectly with my personality. orthodoxy takes nothing from human interpretation. you can't point to a single human being and give them credit for the traditions or teachings of the church. the church fathers have done all they can to preserve the church in its original form. for the coptic church, since the teachings of saint mark. jesus appointed the disciples, 70 of them i believe, to spread the word to the whole world. he taught them too. probably during the 40 days of his resurrection. i like to think he detailed all aspects of his church. long story short, they succeeded and that was the start of the orthodox church. since then, little has changed. you can tell by the traditions of the various orthodox churches. coptic, greek, i've even been to an antochian orthodox church, and they are all so similar. simple, wholesome, spiritual. rich in tradition. i may not understand every tradition, procession, or custom. but i trust that my lord has built something perfect. something that has not been modified or weakened by human interpretation. but enough about that, what i really wanted to talk about was jesus' resurrection.

have you ever thought about how the disciples suddenly went from hesitation to absolute, unflinching faith? take saint peter for example, one moment he totally denies knowing jesus, the next he travels across the world, spreading a message that he was absolutely sure would get him killed. and he was killed, crucified. and he opted to be crucified upside down so as not to be compared with jesus. i read an interpretation that he wanted to die "right side up," because he understood that this world is all wrong and topsy turvy. but how can this be? how can the same man go from absolute fear for his life, to laying his life down willingly, confidently? it's all about the resurrection. the resurrection was a moment, an experience, so incredibly life changing, that nothing else on earth seemed to matter anymore. we all know the story of the resurrection, but if you really stop, close your eyes, and try to visualize it, it really is unbelievable. imagine someone you might have lost in this world. now imagine them suddenly walking through your door. they tell you, don't be afraid, i've conquered death. i am alive. you don't have to be sad. i cannot die anymore. i will not die. truthfully, the thought itself is making me tear up. it must have been such an amazing sight.

before i go, thought i'd share this interesting idea. have you ever thought about how the disciples, mary magdalene, and the countless others jesus appeared to during the 40 days before his ascension, did not recognize him? i read that jesus actually appeared different. one interpretation is that he appeared in his truest form. and when he revealed who he was, they all immediately recognized him. because he was human, like us, surely the world had taken a toll on his body. but in his resurrected form, he was perfect. just like all of us who might be physically afflicted in this world will be reborn perfect. we will be different beings, the same in spirit, but with otherworldly bodies.

generosity

i wish i was more generous. generosity is such a good attribute. of all the attributes one can have, i must say, generosity is my favorite. anyone remember the four cardinal virtues? neither do i. i think one of them is bravery. i suppose i should look them up.

prudence, temperance, justice and fortitude. by the way, i don't know why these are called the 'cardinal' virtues, as i know they have nothing to do with the roman church's cardinals. they're simply great personal attributes we should aspire towards. prudence means common sense. temperance is moderation, or having self-discipline. justice is being fair and honest. and fortitude is being brave. but where's generosity?? i think it might be the most underrated attribute. i honestly believe that being charitable and having a spirit of giving is the foundation for lots of other positive personal qualities. it teaches you to be humble. teaches you to pay attention to other people's needs and to be compassionate. the world is so good when people give. it fosters a sense of unity, and pride. and joy! when you lend a hand, you inspire other people. generosity is a sickness! and you know what the best kind of generosity is? the kind that expects nothing in return. not this, i'll help you today so you'll help me tomorrow, nonsense. when you give, give freely. give with no expectations. "i'm glad i helped out because now you owe me!" isn't going to cut it. and if you ever feel like this, "i'm such a good person and now everyone knows it!" then you messed it up. instead, feel joy in the fact that god sees your generosity and is proud of you. if you’re crazy like me, just imagine him looking down and saying, "ata boy!"

what about charity? charity is generosity, but in the form of money. you know, charity used to be a stable part of people's lives. charity still exists nowadays of course, but how often do we do it? also, when we do it, is it really worthy of being called charity? i bought a pair of nikes a few weeks ago and at the checkout counter the guy asked me if i wanted to donate a dollar to the american heart association. i agreed and told him to make it five. he said, "really? awesome! i guess you’re good for the whole week then!" we both laughed, but as i walked away i had mixed emotions. i just bought an expensive pair of sneaks, just for fun, and he thought five bucks was me being charitable? "if our charities do not at all pinch or hamper us, i should say they are too small," says c. s. lewis. when we donate to charity, does it hurt? are our hands shaking in fear as we write those checks? then we're not doing enough! easier said than done right? in reality though, give what you can, even a little helps. if i'm not brave enough to say, here man, $100 to the american heart association, that doesn’t mean my $5 isn’t worth something. it's worth a lot. for one, it will motivate me to give more and more. and it may inspire others. to the small audience who might be reading this, let's make a deal. this week, the first charity that asks you for a donation, donate a dollar for every year of your age. let's make god proud of us by being generous and charitable and thank him for his love and grace through our actions!

also, if you've never watched this show, please watch this before it get's taken off. if it doesn’t make you happy and inspire you, then i don't know what will!

rescue me

why does god let me fall? why does he allow it? i ask myself this question all the time. but today, i sort of had a rare moment of clarity and i'm not sure how i didn’t see it before. actually, i think i knew the answer all along but was trying to avoid it. so a sunday school teacher is telling a class of youngsters that god is almighty and that he is capable of anything. then a cute little toddler raises her hand and says, nope he's not, he's not capable of sinning. the teacher doesn’t know how to respond to that. it's true, god doesn’t sin, he only does good. so how does that make any sense? well, here's the thing. sin, wrongdoings, bad deeds, whatever you want to call it, should not be thought of as an 'ability'. instead, think of it as more of an anti-ability, an ability gone wrong. like, let's say i spend all day baking bread for you and everyone i know. once it's ready, i take it out of the oven and it's warm and ready to eat. and after i hand it out to everyone, to my surprise, the whole room begins throwing it at each other! well, that's not what i intended, to say the least. sin, is sort of like that. it's not what we were intended to do. it's not how god intended for us to use our free will. it's not an ability, it's like a twisted loophole. so how does that tie in with my original question? well, i was listening to a sermon today and was reminded of a really great verse in exodus. "the lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." moses said this right before he split the red sea (or rather, before god did). people were freaking out as word spread that pharaoh was coming back for them with a vengeance. everyone was yelling, moses! what have you done? you brought us here to die! where is god? omg omg! this is not long after they witnessed god's power in egypt mind you. but of course god didn’t forget them. he was there to bail them out as always.

so that's when it hit me. how many times has god bailed me out? how many times has he rescued me? when i fall, when i'm in trouble, i do exactly what the israelites did! i throw my fists up to the heavens and ask god why he has allowed this to happen. somehow today i realized that it isn’t about god allowing bad things to happen to me, it's about how i put myself in bad situations and when i turn to him, he bails me out. i'm the one who goes against my better judgment and in the end i blame it on god or anyone but me. me and you, we know the difference between right and wrong. but sometimes we choose wrong because it's easy or it satisfies a need or we're just so darn used to it. it's twisted. like throwing bread when i should be eating it. i know i've nailed a lot of people with big ol' hunks of bread in my life. that's a fact. god isn't allowing bad things to happen, he's just giving us the freedom to create bad things for ourselves and others. but like a loving father, he comes quickly to our aid and fights for us when we need him. given, of course, that we've learned our lesson.

i know what you might be thinking. some bad things really do happen out of the blue, some of them are not products of my wrongdoings. be that as it may, you have to keep in mind that you are as much a product of your own actions as you are other people's. sometimes, you really can be a victim and not a co-conspirator (although be careful in making that judgment). in those situations, you just have to be still and place your troubles in bigger hands. one's that are more capable than yours. but what about those problems that no one can be blamed for? like if a meteor from outer space suddenly crashes into my house! or getting sick, or having an accident? well, that's a discussion for a whole 'nother blog. but i suspect that if it doesn’t kill you, it will bring you closer to god. anything that brings me closer to god, is a blessing in disguise, right? lord, thank you for always being there for me. it is such a relief to know that you have my back even if i don't deserve it.