bus

i've been looking for so long, and frankly, i'm tired. i don't even know what i'm looking for anymore. it changes every day. all i know is i'm always looking. searching for "meaning." searching for that thing that stirs you up. you know, gives you goose bumps. might make you tear up a little. don't let anyone see. i collect those little "meanings." i like to imagine that every experience, good and bad, is part of a path up a massive mountain. there's a part where i climb a sheer cliff face, another part is narrow with lots of thorny branches, another is calm, floating along a river. sometimes my path is terrifying, but beautiful and powerful, like a thunderstorm.

i dreamt once that i was running to catch a bus, but i missed it. i kept running towards it, yelling and screaming, but it just took off without me. i sat down on the pavement, it was dark and raining and all i could see was the tiny light get smaller as it drove away. there wasn’t a single soul left on the road but me. then i started hearing thunder and i was scared. but as the thunderstorm started to get closer and louder, i remember being filled with this enormous feeling of rage. it wasn’t so much that i was angry, i just thought, "i missed the bus, kill me if you want thunder!" i yelled with all my might, and the thunder yelled right back. it was so powerful and it wanted to crush me, turn me to dust. but i held my own. my body's made out of iron, stupid thunder, and my organs are pure fire. and i'm sick of being afraid. when god made me, he placed me above all the planets and stars and even you. i'm life and i'm eternal. my priest once said that a baby being born is fearful because he thinks he is going to die. you’re not going to die and neither am i.

could it be that i was meant to travel this path? if so, why even look for meaning? what difference does it make? why am i chasing after a bus to nowhere? it's heading to absolute nothingness. i will stay here and weather the storm instead.