desert

"i am in the desert alone. i have no concerns with others. i have a burrow in the cracks of the hill. i have hidden my burrow. and i will leave it one day. living where, i do not know." for those of you who recognize the hymn, you know that translating it really doesn’t give it enough justice. this is one of my favorite hymns authored by pope shenouda. as you may know, pope shenouda was a desert monk before he was chosen for the patriarchy. but i feel like his heart has always been alone in the desert. sometimes i sing this hymn when i'm feeling lonely. it's quite comforting, although it doesn’t seem that way from the opening lines. it's comforting because it makes me feel like i have a direct connection with god. how so? well for one, being alone seems to really clear my mind. life is full of distractions, it's nice to get away from it for a moment and think. it's as if my thoughts and prayers are better heard by god, because they are clearer and more intimate. it's like when we say, "lord accept our prayers." to me, we ask god to accept our prayers not because some prayers aren’t accepted, like they aren’t up to code, or god has a prayer filtering machine up there, but because we are asking him to examine the sincerity of our prayers and remember them.

for me, prayer at church is one thing, but prayer at home alone, is a totally different experience. don't get me wrong, church is the basis for growth and knowledge in god, but prayer and meditation in church is often hard to accomplish. for me at least. i don't like looking at people, or analyzing their actions, or feeling like people are looking at me either. i feel like i don’t get enough spiritual fulfillment because i am easily distracted. that's why i'd rather sit in the back row, or in a dark corner somewhere. like pope shenouda in his burrow. i remember in 2000, when i was 13, we went to a service on the night of the millennium, at abouna mousa's church in boston. i guess it was a special time, being alive during the start of a new 1000 years, so during midnight, they turned off the lights in the whole church (except for a few candles) and people were praying silently. it was so spiritual. it was dark, you couldn’t look at people because you couldn’t see them. it smelled like incense and you could hear people whispering their prayers. it felt like you were part of this large force field of prayer going straight up to heaven. it was powerful. my heart was buzzing. i remember thinking, why can’t we do this every week! i wish my heart could live in a burrow in the desert even while i'm in the middle of all of these things that define our lives. it's like when i'm stressed in clinic. or when i have a bad day. i sing another hymn by pope shenouda, "my real country, is above with jesus, my real country, is above with jesus."